What I've learned in the transition to two kids!

Me taking the boys on a walk to maintain my sanity during
witching hour which is just as bewitched as it sounds trust me

Most of you readers probably have two or more kids, so I write this more for my own records. I've grown and been refined so much in this transition already. (Like for example that blogging isn't even on the back burner, it's on the counter getting cold. I think I've worked on this post 5 or 6 different times in minute increments) So maybe this post can help anyone who is making this transition! I had been told many of these things before, but true to my stubborn personality, I really just needed to learn them through experience to believe them. I love writing about what I learn and don't presume to teach you anything you don't already know!  Anyway here are the things I've learned in the first six months of having two kids, two boys, almost exactly two years apart.....

1) I have a lot to learn. (See below)

2) Do things together.

The boys watching Daniel Tiger (aka "Tee-Tye") and me feeling a slight sense of false guilt behind the camera

I started off my routine duties by separating the boys (feed one, then feed another; change one at one time, another an hour later, etc). Maybe I did this out of a twisted kind of "respect" for their individuality, or more specifically for the unrealistic expectation of myself that I would somehow give both boys all of my undivided attention! But I've only recently learned that if we all eat together, or I dress the boys together, it's easier! Also they have more chances for playful interaction and bonding, which amuses them and makes us all happier. 

Secondly I found creative ways to include Carson in taking care of baby Jase. Sometimes he'll hand me a blanket or paci and other times he'll run away with it, but I could tell a huge difference in Carson's attitude when he felt included and useful vs. left out and alone. 

I've been amazed how the boys' love for each other came so naturally. There was no need to explain to my crazy 2 year old that Jase was his little brother and that he should love him! (Exceptions are there...)

Jase sleeping on us was a new thing and totally necessary for survival.
Oh and to make sure that we thoroughly spoiled him before he could crawl

3) Be open to trying different parenting styles. I could write a gripping, sardonic and sassy opinion piece on this but I've learned to be a little bit more classy than that, I hope. So here's a description of the ways I've had to be more open-minded on some things...

One way is being open to not exclusively using the cry-it-out method, coupled with realizing that it is not the best for every baby at every stage.

Jase screamed. A lot. Almost constantly the first 6 weeks. I was losing patience with him. Losing my sanity. I was confused. I was worried about being judged by my cry-it-out friends and tried to imagine how they might advise me if they were standing there, watching me at the end of my rope. 

But they weren't. It was all up to me. And if they had a Jase they'd be feeling just as frustrated and tired as me (and from what they tell me, many of them did! ha). So one day in the first month, when Jase was sleeping (swaddled, paci'd, in vibrating chair, blanket covering for darkness, etc) I was laying in bed or possibly wandering our house trying to get something done and I prayed an honest, totally desperate prayer for God's wisdom. He spoke to my heart in that moment concerning his compassion for his children. I needed His compassion with Jase, which included His patience to continually do trial and error to figure out what was wrong or how to soothe him. 

Some days compassion fleshed itself out in me forgoing a nicer dinner or getting chores done, or sacrificing sleep so that I could take the time to meet his needs. On other days it meant letting him cry in his swing with all his comforts but away from his irrationally angry mother. 

Jase screaming full-blast because this toy is not doing what he wants it to and I don't know what that is

Here's another personal example....

The debate over when to start baby food and cereal (4 months or 6 months or even later) is very heated. Especially people who insist that you are poisoning your child if you give them anything other than breastmilk before 6 months. I think I believed something like that for the most part.

Then I had Jase. Screamy, demanding, emotional and expressive Jase. It is all or nothing with him. He could be slightly frustrated with a toy or having excruciating pain, but he will scream at the top of his lungs for either scenario. For the first 4 and a half months I pushed through what seemed to be colic, extreme high needs, headaches, anxiety, neglecting Carson, etc. etc. If you've never had a child like this you will not understand the desperation to try ANYTHING just to keep your sanity. Once you've been through this type of parenting bootcamp, giving your baby cereal or food isn't poison, it is a mercy. And wouldn't you know? As soon as I started Jase on cereal and food he was a completely different child. My days were no longer filled with screaming. He was happy to play and not be held. 

Jase needed to be fed much sooner than 6 months. Jase was hungry. Jase no longer had constipation and gas. Jase had asked for food. I listened to his cues over and above the FB rants. I'm so glad I did! We are all happier. 

I needed to let go of the guilt of not having to tough it out. Of not being super-organic mommy. And when you struggle with pleasing people, and pleasing people's internet-non-real-life personalities, this is hard. But worth it for the sake of your mental stability.

The way my boys roll. I mean wrestle

Lastly, I had to be open to letting my boys hurt themselves, hurt each other, play rough and get dirty. There is a scientific reason for this: Boys are born with seven to ten times more the amount of testosterone in their systems than girls. My boys love action, athletics, loud noises, bumps, and all kinds of stuff. They don't just love it, they need it to be happy. I had to be open to letting David throw the boys around and against our soft couch. I also had to let Carson and Jase play together and make physical contact as soon as Jase was ready (which was much sooner than I thought!). Some parents are very very gentle with their children, especially because the kids want it, and others enjoy rougher play. The rougher parents and kids (like our family) are not hurting their kids and are not being careless. They are letting their kids have fun and do their best to maintain a clear distinction between rough play that is fun and rough play that harms and needs correction. 

I would NEVER have let Carson play in the dirt this young! 

4) I've learned to truly not care about the kind of parent I seem in public, at church, or to strangers, and to not care if we make noise or cause a scene. To let go of a person's perception of you and focus on what your child needs at that moment.

With two kids I've been so busy just meeting their needs that I don't have the time to worry about my reputation. It is very freeing! 

When I inevitably encounter the well-meaning comment of, "You've got your hands full!" I say, "Yes I do, but I'm blessed." I thank God for freeing me from concern over those types of comments! In fact, when this very conversation took place at the Meijer pharmacy, the technician began sharing about her children and how she is a single mom. This opened the door for me to give her props for working so hard and that felt good. 

Another instance in the first month (which was by far the worst) I was at Babys R Us with both boys and knew it was time to nurse Jase. Previous, fearful me would've gone to our tiny car and done it there, but instead I pushed the cart into the maternity clothes changing room and used that. Yes, someone might have to wait. Yes, a worker might confront me about it, or even walk in on me. But I had a more comfortable, quicker time nursing and a much happier Carson. And none of my fears came true.

To sum up #4: I know what's best for me and our kids. I know that Carson is happier facing forward in those massive wide-load kids carts rather than facing backward a normal shopping cart, so I heave that around and I don't have to put up with fussing or battle anger. Most parents don't do that. Oh well. 

There are definitely some isles that this cart will not fit down

5) Listen to the audio Bible on the go. Yep, my most valuable time in the Word involves listening! Sometimes even as I fall asleep at 9 PM. But these days, never in the morning. I nurse at 4, or 5, and Jase is up for the day. By the time he's fed, Carson is up for the day at 6. After trial and error to get them to sleep later, I've accepted this phase for now. Which leads me to the next thing I've learned...

"oopsie, sowwy"

6) Accept the current state of affairs. It's probably a phase. In the midst it feels like an eternity but it is really only a few days or weeks. This frees me from freaking out over still nursing at night. Over telling Carson for the millionth time to leave the dirty dishes alone. Over always feeling tired. Over warning Carson to not eat dirt, or to not throw his sippy into the public toilet. Yeah, I know.

7) Do what you have to do get through the day. It's ok that Carson watches TV. It's ok that he plays alone. In this phase, Jase needs more of me than Carson does. It's ok that Jase plays alone, and fusses by himself while I take care of Carson. It's ok that I treat myself to a high-calorie espresso drink while the kids just sit in the stroller. It's ok that they don't get a bath everyday, or eat PBJ twice in one day. It's ok if on Tuesday dinner is at 5:30 and on Wednesday it's at 7. It's ok for Carson to eat Chef Boyardee or goldfish crackers and watch me eat chocolate. It's ok if Carson sleeps overnight in the next day's clothes. It's ok if Jase has gunk in his eye or babyfood dried on his face. It's also ok if the kids spend all morning strapped into something, or Jase gets a shorter nap, so that mommy can get some adult conversation and use the car the only chance she gets. It's ok that Jase eats cereal and store bought baby food earlier than somebody else's mommy says he should.

It's all not as big a deal as the Mommy Wars make it out to be! It's not all a moral issue, a spiritual issue, a matter of life and death, or a cause of cancer, or the mark of the beast. 

8) My love for my kids is not necessarily shown in the details. They don't have to have matching outfits (though they are super cute), perfectly cut hair or the perfect, well-rounded meal to be loved. Their room doesn't have matching decor (um, it has pink carpet... ugh). Jase can skip a nap or take in in the car seat or stroller. They need their basic needs of love (both affection and correction) and prayer met before the externals.

*****

I'm well aware that what I've learned as a mom of two will be very different than many of my friends. I'm pretty sure that out of everyone I know, I struggle the most with seeking the acceptance of others, approval, the fear of man if you will. I admire so many of my mommy friends for their tenacity and good mothering!

I hope you enjoyed this read. I also hope it doesn't spark debate. What you do with your kid is not my concern :)