Bethany's Blog

Carson's prognosis? Only God knows. Will he ever be able to hold a job, go to college or have a family? Only God knows. Though he continues to progress and grow in most areas, in others he is not. But one thing is certain: the kid is HAPPY. 24/7 a room without a roof. I'm proud of him and who he is. He is perfect and I wouldn't change a thing. That is a cliche, yet in my grieving moments it's what my heart is bursting with! It's like he walks through the world wearing 3D glasses only he can have, and because of this, small and seemingly meaningless actions become exciting and amazing -- so of course they must be repeated!  I've decided to enjoy repeating the alphabet (for the past 2 years), or lines from his favorite show in a meaningless context, or sympathizing with the importance he places in running through the gaps in the bushes that line our driveway over and over, day in and day out. I know that he seeks certain sensory experiences because his receptors t...

I absolutely love nursing/rocking Jase to sleep. But while I was pregnant with Carson (my oldest) I had resolved never to do that as a mom because of my devotion to a book, On Becoming Babywise. I say devotion in it's fullest sense; I had read the book at least three times, not counting re-reading applicable chapters. My copy was marked up. I made helpful charts of the material. I read blogs by Babywise moms religiously. I passionately recommended it to pregnant friends. But when the rubber met the road is when the book was truly put to the test. Babywise claims that nursing to sleep is bad for several reasons; most importantly that a child must learn to be independent of mom, especially when going to sleep, so that mom can sleep and be a better mom. Ezzo's intentions are good in saying this (caring for mom, which I wholly believe in) but I have since come to believe that this book is wrong.  Other claims made in Babywise  are that the child will learn to eat ...

I'm going to be vulnerable because Ive kind of reached a point where I am letting go the pursuit of an amazing reputation. I'm not as spiritual as I thought I was. I'm not the great parent I thought I was. I'm dependent on Him and that's kind of all there is to it these days. Anyhoo I thought I was doing so well, but then when stressful circumstances combined with Jase screaming his new and improved screeching inconsolable cry of desperation happened on the same weekend, the angry Hulk inside of me appeared again. (nobody was or ever has been hurt, fyi) It is so hard to be so pathetic right now. Some people have no idea what it is like to have PPD but it is truly humbling. Be careful when you think you stand, lest you fall! The best part of all of this is that these days I want to read the Bible. I hunger for the truth about God. It's very refreshing. I haven't hungered for the Living Water like this for about 7 years. But with 2014 came spiritual r...

I'm going to be a little vulnerable as I write this and as I "come out" as you may call it. I think most of my friends know what's going on with me, but I really feel like sharing about how my relationship with God through Christ works alongside such emotional, deep struggles and hormonal imbalances. People who have not been depressed before (as in, clinical depression confirmed by a medical professional as I have been) have a difficult time being understanding of a fellow Christian who is depressed. They see it only as a sin issue or a spiritual issue. Even though I was taught in my own shortened version of Intro to Biblical Counseling to address the whole person including their physical issues, many who claim to be in the Biblical Counseling camp seem to ignore this when it comes to depression. But in the case of PPD, the physical aspects are essential  to consider.  In other words, while as a person who has this disorder/struggle, I am both personally respo...

Me taking the boys on a walk to maintain my sanity during witching hour which is just as bewitched as it sounds trust me Most of you readers probably have two or more kids, so I write this more for my own records. I've grown and been refined so much in this transition already. (Like for example that blogging isn't even on the back burner, it's on the counter getting cold. I think I've worked on this post 5 or 6 different times in minute increments) So maybe this post can help anyone who is making this transition! I had been told many of these things before, but true to my stubborn personality, I really just needed to learn them through experience to believe them. I love writing about what I learn and don't presume to teach you anything you don't already know!  Anyway here are the things I've learned in the first six months of having two kids, two boys, almost exactly two years apart..... 1) I have a lot to learn. (See below) 2) Do things ...

Above is pictured the camera roll on my phone. And if you follow me on Instagram it looks about the same! I could look at and photograph these faces all day. But why? I've lost count of the complaints or expressions of bewilderment from people who see all of these young parents like myself as we obsessively post picture after picture. Sometimes they will wrongfully take their bewilderment to the next level of judgment, looking down on us babymakers as overly sentimental, mentally ill, etc. etc... And usually these bewildered or annoyed friends are not yet parents.  So this blog post is for you, my dear non-parent friends! :) I know you think what you want of this crazy photo-diarrhea, but what I see here is a vast difference in worldview that I might try to reconcile in my writing here!  See, there is a fundamental shift that occurs on the day you become a parent, whether biologically or not. It came crashing down on me all at once on December 14th, 2011, the day I had a Cesar...

My waking thoughts at 5:30 this morning definitely involved fretting. (If you have to ask why a woman who is 11 days past due is up that early, then you be clueless :)). At this point every day feels like a week. I have tried every natural induction method under the sun to induce labor. It's not without effort and striving and changing providers mid-pregnancy and sort of at the end, and reading and writing here,  that I've been able to get to 11 days overdue without the pressure to be sectioned. I never understood until now the kind of raw brokenness and dependence upon God that a woman like me needs when she is this  overdue with a baby and waiting a trial of labor after cesarean. I have never before felt so helpless, vulnerable, disappointed in myself and my body, and discouraged. I'm finally at the point where I've done ALL I can and I hold it before God with an open palm and let Him do what He may. He wants good things for me cuz He's a good God, and tha...