End of a long journey

My waking thoughts at 5:30 this morning definitely involved fretting. (If you have to ask why a woman who is 11 days past due is up that early, then you be clueless :)).

At this point every day feels like a week. I have tried every natural induction method under the sun to induce labor. It's not without effort and striving and changing providers mid-pregnancy and sort of at the end, and reading and writing here,  that I've been able to get to 11 days overdue without the pressure to be sectioned. I never understood until now the kind of raw brokenness and dependence upon God that a woman like me needs when she is this overdue with a baby and waiting a trial of labor after cesarean. I have never before felt so helpless, vulnerable, disappointed in myself and my body, and discouraged.

I'm finally at the point where I've done ALL I can and I hold it before God with an open palm and let Him do what He may. He wants good things for me cuz He's a good God, and that is the only thing I can trust right now. People's knowledge and opinions of my situation only go so far, and my mind and heart are so shot, so mushy, that nothing anyone says matters to me anymore. I truly know that what others say will make no difference. I've asked all the questions, read the books, heard all the suggestions, all the opinions and patient rights, all the debates over induction, all the bloody battles of opinion fought over each little intervention and it's pros/cons for VBAC... 

I've already not met so many of my own expectations that it's gotten me down too much. I've forgotten (lots of women have forgotten, in my opinion) that the point of giving birth, whether vaginally or not, is to have a baby; not prove how awesome a mom I am, how natural I am, how strong and independent I am (none of us truly are), how "woman" I am. The point of giving birth is to, with God's help, bring a healthy baby into breathable air so that he can continue to grow big and strong outside the womb. Birth and obstetrics and fallible human doctors are cursed by man's fall into sin just like all our health/body related things are. Why we have disease and death and yes, difficulties in birth. 

God in His goodness has seen fit to bring me to the end of my human efforts so that I rely on Him and I am so thankful. 


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