Postpartum Depression/Anxiety and the Christian Life

I'm going to be a little vulnerable as I write this and as I "come out" as you may call it. I think most of my friends know what's going on with me, but I really feel like sharing about how my relationship with God through Christ works alongside such emotional, deep struggles and hormonal imbalances.

People who have not been depressed before (as in, clinical depression confirmed by a medical professional as I have been) have a difficult time being understanding of a fellow Christian who is depressed. They see it only as a sin issue or a spiritual issue. Even though I was taught in my own shortened version of Intro to Biblical Counseling to address the whole person including their physical issues, many who claim to be in the Biblical Counseling camp seem to ignore this when it comes to depression. But in the case of PPD, the physical aspects are essential to consider. 

In other words, while as a person who has this disorder/struggle, I am both personally responsible for my actions and at the same time the victim of a chemical and hormonal imbalance. I do not see the two as incompatible -- for never before have I been pushed into my Refuge, my Savior, as I am overwhelmed by my weakness, my sin, my anger, my faults, my guilt, my ugliness. And never before have I been so aware of just how twisted my view of reality can be by my hormones. 

After Jase was born I had already been surrounded by many stressful circumstances -- a job change, a crazy birth experience, conflict in our church, a colicky baby -- and these were my focus as I was confined with a crazy, bored two-year-old and a very needy newborn. Sleep deprivation is also a large physical factor to consider. Both kids frequently have me up. In the past six months I've gotten one full night of sleep. Ha! Besides my circumstances, I have always had the physical symptoms of a woman who has a hormonal imbalance and PCOS. So I went into this mothering thing already hormonally messed up. Perfect recipe for postpartum depression. 

So that's my back story as to how I think I got to this point. Now here's where I am vulnerable: what I felt and how I dealt with it. I thank God he spared me from the most severe symptoms such as being suicidal or hallucinating. My main symptoms were on the side of anxiety: being unable to sleep when I'd only gotten two hours the night before, being afraid to go down the stairs carrying one of the kids, over-analyzing every text message, having outbursts of uninstigated and harsh anger that surprised even me, being very easily overwhelmed if more than one noise is going on at once, always always always always always worrying. Always. I also had thoughts of just getting in the car and leaving. Leaving home, family, church family, Jeffersonville, Indiana. David could handle it, right? I didn't want to live my life like this. It was too much for me handle. 

Now I went down the stairs anyway. I prayed and prayed through my worries. I apologized and reconciled when I had outbursts. I took things to help me sleep. I preached sermons to myself and shared my heart with David. I sought advice and counsel. I began to go on daily walks to get exercise. I cut out unhealthy foods. I added in more veggies and fruits. I drank a small glass of wine to calm myself down before "bed" (til Jase woke me up). Most of all, I never ever planned to leave my family. I took my scary/irrational thought captive and sought accountability with David. He gave me breaks and opportunities to get out of the house. He took Jase from me when he was inconsolable because many times, so was I. 

The more I prayed the more I felt God with me. I knew he was in control and that he is God. I knew I was secure in Christ. I knew nothing could separate me from his love. 

So here's my question for those inexperienced with depression and those who are believers as well: Is not God close to the broken-hearted? Did he not promise to comfort those who mourn, calling them blessed? Did he not promise that those who are spiritually poor and weak will be strong? Did he not say he would be strong in our weakness, that his power shines greater? Did he not promise that any who turn to him will in no way ever be cast out?! Did Jesus not say that he came to save the poor, the sick, and sinful rather than the healthy and righteous who don't feel their need for him? And who went away from te temple forgiven, the one who prayed in mourning over his sins (or depression) or the one who felt good about himself and his righteous deeds? 

Brothers and sisters in Christ, I count myself blessed in hindsight to be going through emotional issues and depression. We cannot forget that we are nearest to God when we are weak and feel our need for him. We cannot forget that our boast is in Christ alone, not our awesomeness or personal strength. 

I beg you fellow Christians to tread lightly when it comes to depressed people, and pray that they build their houses on the Rock. Do not judge them as rejecting God, but see them rather as someone who is in a good position to receive his grace and sustaining power.