What was once taboo [a critique of Babywise]

I absolutely love nursing/rocking Jase to sleep.

But while I was pregnant with Carson (my oldest) I had resolved never to do that as a mom because of my devotion to a book, On Becoming Babywise. I say devotion in it's fullest sense; I had read the book at least three times, not counting re-reading applicable chapters. My copy was marked up. I made helpful charts of the material. I read blogs by Babywise moms religiously. I passionately recommended it to pregnant friends. But when the rubber met the road is when the book was truly put to the test.

Babywise claims that nursing to sleep is bad for several reasons; most importantly that a child must learn to be independent of mom, especially when going to sleep, so that mom can sleep and be a better mom. Ezzo's intentions are good in saying this (caring for mom, which I wholly believe in) but I have since come to believe that this book is wrong. 

Other claims made in Babywise are that the child will learn to eat too often, making them at higher risk for obesity as an adult; that nursing too often reduces the milk supply; etcetcetc. I've actually found the exact opposite of these things to be true with Jase. 

Anyway, 

Why do I love nursing Jase to sleep? The emotional bond that I have with Jase is much stronger than with Carson at this age. This is because of the time we spend snuggled, nursing and me being able to comfort him and share in the sleep experience - sometimes literally.

Babywise claims that in following her emotions, a mother is putting herself at risk for making rash (even abusive?) parenting decisions. Decisions as a parent must be thought out rationally and calmly, right? But I have actually found that following my emotions at Jase's sleep time has made me a better, healthier mother. 

I had read a couple of years ago that if a mom follows Babywise she will become desensitized to her baby's cries and that that can be dangerous. At the time I brushed off this criticism but have since found that because I practiced cry-it-out with Carson on a too-frequent basis, I had become desensitized. It scared me. (Fortunately nothing bad happened to Carson, and in the subsequent months and years I have mended this!) I know a good mother can never truly be completely desensitized to her child, but in my case I had not only gotten too used to hearing Carson cry, but I had not been able to distinguish between different types of cries (hunger, sickness, bad dream, pain) as Babywise promised I would. 

So yes, my emotions have helped me be a better, more compassionate and patient mom with my second, more fussy, demanding and loud baby! (Is not God patient and compassionate with His children?) What I have with Jase is not just an emotion but it is an empathy with his needs, a special mother-baby bond. 

Even as I was nursing him to sleep before I sat down to write this, I was admiring his precious sleeping face, so thankful for my baby, the weight of him in my arms (so many friends have lost a baby. It breaks my heart.). And even today, as with yesterday, this teething little guy has been following me around, tugging on my pants and crying, truly trying my patience to no end. But as soon as I sit down to nurse him, my anger fades. I realize that he needs me and hurts, that he's not just trying to be annoying. No matter what parenting style you choose with your baby, I think we'd all agree that if your child needs something or is in pain, you want to be sensitive enough to want to do what you can! 

I also nurse Jase on demand (gasp!). Babywise claims that nursing on demand not only increases risks for obesity but that it also teaches the baby that they are in charge, not mom or dad. That nursing when baby cries spoils them, and that many moms who nurse by demand don't truly assess their child's needs when they cry. They just nurse him without thinking.

Again, not true in my case. Jase is extremely expressive and I can tell very easily why he's fussy. Further, I have always felt that Babywise ignored the fact that God has made each child with very different temperaments, even if they are siblings! (e.g. Jase came out screaming and wailing and Carson came out, let out one cry and latched on very quickly. Jase took more time. Those birthday tendencies have been true to their personalities even to this day! Haha.)

With Jase's different temperament is a child who is much much more relational, emotional, social, sensitive and expressive than Carson. Jase is not hard to comprehend. But he does need more of me, and I no longer think that is a bad thing. I know I'm not spoiling him, I'm just reading him correctly. Spoiling him would be never teaching him right and wrong, or neglecting to teach him how to show respect. And when he is old enough to communicate with me other than by crying, Jase will learn to control his emotions.

I am also thankful for nursing Jase to sleep because I do realize that it is not spoiling him. Jase was born being as needy as he is. He still spends a lot of time crying, whether I like it or not. He even has to cry-it-out on the occasion when all options have been exhausted. 

Not only is it not spoiling him, but Jase sleeps through the night. He did it on his own, months before Carson did. Once again, Babywise was wrong with Jase, for the book says that if you nurse on demand and not in a routine that the child's brain and stomach will be trained to wake up throughout the night. This is simply not true. Jase has always been a great sleeper at night and has always nursed by demand.

Lastly, Jase has no trouble with independence at sleep time. I am able to lay him down awake if nursing does not put him to sleep. 

I have found much freedom as a mom by following my instincts rather then one book. Freedom from anxiety, from self-doubt, from unnecessary stress, from conforming to what an outside source tells me to do. I doubted the motherly instincts that God gave me because of my devotion to Babywise and that is not a good thing. 

Furthermore, Babywise was originally written for a church by a Christian (pastoral) couple under the title Preparation for Parenting and claims to be a godly way to raise a baby. Therefore I would also like to assess it from a biblical perspective...

In the beginning, God creates the world, man and woman in His image. Both fall into temptation and sin enters the world and their hearts. The question is, Did God create the woman with a tender and emotional love and compassion for her baby, so that she is always alert, troubled and responsive to his cries, or is that a result of sin entering her heart? 

I argue that a God made the woman with a natural response of concern to a baby's cry, based on the character of God: "YHWH, YHWH, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness..." (Exodus 34:9) As The Lord begins to reveal himself (his character and attributes) through rescuing the Israelites from slavery, he does so so that he can be with them. He establishes a binding and exclusive contract with them. He has strong emotions of both affection and at times, frustration with his people.

There is no sin in nurturing a baby the way I've nurtured mine. I'm sad that I spent the time that I did dogmatically devoted to a single book and mindset. As a student of the Bible I know there is no specific, detailed baby rearing method prescribed in it. That is because God did not find it necessary. Why? I'm guessing because he's given us the tools we need already. 

As with any kind of dogma, we must always be careful to hold it loosely in our palm and not assume neglectful/selfish motives in people who believe differently. 

That brings me to my biggest critique of Babywise. Long paragraphs in several different chapters are describe an example of a classic "spoiled/bad" baby named "Marisa". The authors go to great lengths to put fear in the reader's heart that their baby will end up like "Marisa!" And only in the introduction do they make a short disclaimer that their critique is only of the 'most extreme' adherent to Attachment Parenting. Within the chapters however there is the clear impression that Ezzo is referring to all parents who practice any form of AP.

My critique of Babywise is not a new one. Longer, footnoted and thoroughly researched critiques have been written throughout the years, and by people more educated and authoritative than me. What's also outside of devotion to Babywise is the widely-publicized controversy the book caused in the author's home church (pastor John MacArthur) in the mid- to late-90s, along with Mr. Ezzo's very questionable personal character and ethics (http://ezzo.info/index-of-articles/81-timeline/103-macarthur-comments-on-ezzos-break-with-lhef). Not cool. 

But because it's a heated topic I'll close with my disclaimer: 

I have many friends who do/have done the current edition of Babywise and I know they are awesome parents. I know they don't do what I did badly with Carson. If any of you are reading this please know this is not against you. It is against the mindset that I wrongfully had and book materials I regret recommending. Please don't hesitate to ask me face-to-face or through email about this topic. 

I really just want to share how I've grown and become a healthier mom. :) Thanks for reading.